from gino lu's blog, many months ago:

Expectations. Often it is expectations of someone and how that someone lives up to it that you form an image about him. A lazy person, irresponsible perhaps. Expectations, it is something that many fail to understand. It can be used to help you, while it may be detrimental to someone.
I know I've not lived up to expectations, but nor will I admit it to you cause I still my dignity. Pride you may call it, but I choose to decide what it is. May a times, I know I failed, rather obvious as you expect a lot more out of me, and I seemingly fail to live up to those expectations. I seem to be teetering on the edge, just barely making it. Yet, of 'those expectations' I mentioned above, entangled among them, is my own expectation, of myself and how people should view me as. I may not apologize for the mess I have created, nor will I try to live up to your expectations, however I will not let it bog me down and I, to the best of my very limited ability, try and help out anyway I can.

when i was a kid i loved swimming so one afternoon i was in the mood for sun, so i bounced to my dad's bedroom, eager t jump on him and ask him to take me just a few blocks down to the swimming complex and swim with me. but when i opened the door he was fast asleep. being young i didnt know much about being irritating so i happily shook him awake and went LETS GO SWIMMING. obviously he wasnt in the mood and in fact i went out the room almost in tears.

so i lay on my bed hating everything hating the fact that something so simple like bringing me just a few blocks away could be so hard to do.

then after awhile my dad came in knelt beside my bed and told me 'get ready, lets go swimming with a smile'.

of course i was super confused so i asked him, while walking, why the sudden change, i thought he didnt want to go?

and his reply ill always remember.

if you want to do something, you dont do it reluctantly, you dont drag your feet there. if you're gna do it, do it happily.

things are difficult most of the times, and we dont face one difficulty at a time because it doesnt rain it pours like hell. but when you think that all is lost and you cant find your way back, cry out the darkness and let the light shine in because even though life sucks(take drugs) we're gna go through it. although suicide's easy as 1 2 3 there're too many consequences to bother our already bothered souls with that it becomes a 'so near yet so far' thing.

so since life's kind of compulsory now, lets find joy, ltes make joy. lets not care about too many of the downsides because it doesnt do us any good. lets push it away, no one said ignoring something that isnt even supposed to be there was bad. there're happier things to focus and revolve our life around.

this week's gna be tough, seems like we're having a tougher time than others did and it makes us feel lousy. ok it makes me feel lousy.super lousy. i always think 'is everyone feeling the same way or is it just me?'. i mean pain is relative, i could say im fainting but if another person was in my shoes that person would be like o tremors but i dont care, cos ill never find out.

if you feel like doing something go do it. if you dont feel like it and you strongly believe you dont want to then dont do it. because that's whats gna make you happier.

its your life, live it the way you want to. its your memories you're gna be looking at ten years down the road, so choose to make those memories yourself babes.

--
on monday i spent two hours in bed, tired from not being awake yet and stressed from the thought of going to school. and i was late. so every minute spent tossing on my bed, plagued with the dilemma of whether or not to go to school was another minute late, which made me not want to go to school even more.

so i decided, eventually, * it im not going. im not gna be happy even if i went anyway.

then i woke up, and stressed myself for another hour about whether or not to go for training. in the end i walked to tanahmerah with my sister with a bloody frown because even as i walked,every step i took was a step further from home and nearer to school(which isnt very near) and i just hated the idea of going for training when i didnt want to, when i felt obligated to.

in the end i reached school, sat at the gallery, had a light convesation with tessa(which cleared my brain for some reason(i think it was cos it was so pure and brainless)) and i felt better. then the girls came and training was about to start. managed to bargain with cel about training, and in the end i just ran.

cos i knew if i didnt, i'd keep thinking about whether i shouldve or not.

so after that very mentally draining day i realised how damn true 'cross the bridge when it comes' really is.

why bother ourselves with what we think is going to come when we have absolutely no control over it?

why not think about what we can do now, how to tackle the problems we have now, and be happy now, instead of trying to be happy in future?

so i decided im not training till i get my studies in check. yes my committment to soccer is waivered for this week because im not as capable as to commit myself to both studies and soccer because giving my all is giving my 100%. i only have a 100%, i cant give a 100% to both soccer and studies cos simple maths says that's 200%. which is not what i have. 50% each isnt good enough because ill just be missing 50% and wondering, worrying about that missing half.

so until im satisfied with my studies, until im happy that i have at least put in and gave as enough to my studies, my soccer is closed in a cupboard.

but i promise you, after block test i can throw my studies into the cupboard.

--
i realised i have a habit of throwing my life away, even if its for five minutes. i sit down and forget about everything and think about only what i want to think about.



sometimes i believe in the things i say, but sometimes i doubt if im making enough sense.



sis told me bout a book yesterday, so mind-boggling.

its about this girl who's perfectly fine, from her point of view. driven, social and everything. until she goes to a mental institute and mingles with the people. only then she finds out something about the people there, from their point of view, that they are not mental, that they think it is the 'normal' people that need help, not them.

no wonder ive always wondered how mental people feel/ think. if i could be one person for a day i'd be mental.

these kind of books should be burnt cos it messes up your view of the world.

i think the only reason why i'll be mental is cos of my sis.hahaha. we like to think about things like 'there are many things going on in the world in one second.' this guy's buying fruits, this girl's crying another's on the edge of divorce, another getting married. THATS HOW DISGUSTING IT IS.

but we dont have to care.

you can choose to believe anything you want to. you can believe someone who said something bad and be unhappy, or you could believe someone who said something good and be happy. think about it.

im really blabbering now, all i hope is that i make sense.