and im already thinking of how to smite you down

i lose one side of my only pair of contacts AGAIN

ohbloodyhell

what to wera tomorrow my specs are broken! >:( ROAR

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

was reading rabia's blog and two things got me so excited MYGOODNESS

CARNIVALSSSSS I WANT TO GO! carnivals sound fun, cept for the prospect of having clowns walk around. i think stilts are awesome sometimes i wonder what happens when they fall cannot land on their knees.

NEXT, i have to write down the swimming pool incident for keep's sake.

on friday we had this super long break(which now we know is gna be spent either swimming or studying prolly the former) so fay and her teammates decided to train at the sav pool! me and verin tagged along to kinda watch, and in the end, tan(it felt super good)

then this three guys came to take the swimming proficiency test(i forgot all about it) and when i found out it was just two laps(up and down) and a minute of treading water i decided to take the test! it was the last day too so i was like ah heck just take it.

and i lost my contacts while swimming.

mygosh.

but it was so fun lets do it again! this time ill probably take off my contacts first :D

mummy's at a dinner with elna so cool they always have dinners together to celebrate birthdays though they dont talk that often and arent working together anymore.

just talked to roxanne she tells me ive got funny problems HAHA yea its true. rox babe we're in the same boat k we'll paddle together.

maybe ill be able to morph into them.

are you distracted?

3rd choice, 4th choice, maybe not even a choice at all.

china emergent trip. people really are gna start believing im a china girl.

--
hows it you cant be who you want to be? its not possible.

maybe, just maybe, im not as strong as i think/thought, and maybe, i cant accept everything that comes my way.

but why not?

but....i want to

its just another pebble that's gna be kicked away soon. when its over ill look back and laugh at how i got so upset about it. it always happens.

horlicks taste better diluted.

There is a lot of heavy emotional energy around you today and it could make you start feeling moody and slow. Don't worry about it. So what if you take a little longer to get ready this morning, or you're not quite as talkative as you usually are? The people who know and respect you aren't going to get upset about it, so why should you? Drink all the extra cups of coffee you want, your situation won't change. But in a few days, it will be over.

hahaha i love reading horoscopes its amazing how some are completely rubbish and how i get so excited when its even remotely correct/linked.

--
this morning the teh tarik machine was spoilt(or maybe the uncle didnt know what was wrong)

--
today our day went pretty good because we had a free period early in the morning and the lessons werent draining

and training was very slack, plus the rain felt good again

--
i wish i could be more of a help

--
im bingeing again(explains the sudden topic of horlicks i dont even like horlicks)

--
tomorrow team sajc kicks off season.
tomorrow the guys play their first match. good luck soccer boys you guys know you can do it, and do it super well (:

--
today i left my file under the table in the hoomroom. poor little lonely green file.

your words dont flow

if you want to be good at something you go all out and be good at it dont pretend you're not when you are and put on a good show cos thats just disgusting k?

--
were you even listening to me or were my words just another one of the billion words youve heard before, huh?

so many youyouyous in my entries im gna make people feel paranoid. but dont be cos it isnt pointed at anyone.

its just saying make sure you dont do it to someone else.

there will not be foam if you dont make it

quarrelled with my mum in the car today, it was more like a monoquarrel i just sat there and listened maybe this is what its like to be rebellious to the point of no return.

im sorry if ive disappointed you by not bothering/caring about what you say and not even listening to what ive classified under rubbish.

sometimes i think im so drowned in my own perceptions nothing else gets into my head am i fucking dense

--
played about three sets of ten minutes i hated it. then watched the video it was boring. then played the second half, full, and i hated it again.

went for lunch i ate mcnuggets coke kind of brought my spirits up cos it was cold and sweetysaltish, i thought dessert would do the trick but it had to be made horribly.

then it rained. then i took 13. then the rain got into my head and i started sniffling. then i alighted. then i sat at the busstop.

then i decided to walk home in the rain.

its not like you made any difference when i was sick or not anyway. so why not.

i had so much fun today its great to feel this way <3

i ate two icecreams(shared,of course) and i feel like eating more

i feel like eating lots of pasta

and cookies

lets just say im quite hungry

i hope tomorrow will be a good day

my thoughts seem to come in phrases nowadays

my handphone light is irritating me so i better stop now and check so itll go away

gnight

when you're typing a msg on your phone and you type 46 and GP comes out instead of IS,

you just know you're quite screwed.

lol WTH.

--
i would tell you my adventure on the bus/train/singapore on tuesday night but its so bloody long. all i know is, i left pp at 6.30,reached home at 7.45. mygoodness talk about wandering. i think i travelled more than mas selamat

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hichew has become a dollar! so interesting i love hichew

--
MY SISTA KEEPS SPREADING RUMOURS ABOUT ME BEING WEIRD WHEN SHE BUYS A BARBIE DOLL PENCIL CASE FOR AN 18YEAROLD GUY

--
time to chuck my studies away!(but not tooo far away)

--
i feel like hanging out at pp(potong pasir not parkway parade. actually both also can) macs. not the coolest place but imagine being there at night

--
i dont think you even remembered i forgot to wish you happybirthday.

OH.MY.GOSH.SCREW.CANCER.ITS.SO.DISGUSTINGLY.HARD.TO.STUDY.

if cancer didnt exist the world would be a better place.

ON SOME DAYS WHEN YOU KNOW ITS A BAD DAY AND NOTHING COMES OUT RIGHT YOU SHOULD LEARN TO KEEP QUIET AND STAY AT HOME WITH NOTHING COMING INTO CONTACT WITH YOU.

learnt that today. yes siree.

dont worry nothing's wrong its just annoying.

ohmygoodness can block tests end nownownow

sometimes i think the driving force behind my dream to be a nurse is the ugliness of life.

as quoted from maria:

"where is the brain capacity for anything not related to the A level syllabus?
it doesn't exist."

YA WTF I FORGOT LIKE THREE PEOPLE'S BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK AND ITS THREE OF MY GOOD FRIENDS' BIRTHDAYS im slapping myself mentally(only because i'd look like an idiot if i did it physically)

what nonsense is this. rarr.

so,

ON THE 12th OF MARCH:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEINING!

ON THE 13th OF MARCH:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALFIE(SLUT)

ON THE 14th OF MARCH:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SENG! (we'll celebrate soon k cos we always do! cant miss out on tradition its WRONG)

ON THE 15th OF MARCH:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARRELL LOW!

and lastly, (i didnt forget this one)

happy birthday daddy, allll the way from sg (: i hope mummy brought you lots of love and represented us properly in china k! <3

to drive ourselves or not, to give our all when the time is here or not.

i think we've lost our inspiration.

time to find it again, within ourselves.

so many buts.

from gino lu's blog, many months ago:

Expectations. Often it is expectations of someone and how that someone lives up to it that you form an image about him. A lazy person, irresponsible perhaps. Expectations, it is something that many fail to understand. It can be used to help you, while it may be detrimental to someone.
I know I've not lived up to expectations, but nor will I admit it to you cause I still my dignity. Pride you may call it, but I choose to decide what it is. May a times, I know I failed, rather obvious as you expect a lot more out of me, and I seemingly fail to live up to those expectations. I seem to be teetering on the edge, just barely making it. Yet, of 'those expectations' I mentioned above, entangled among them, is my own expectation, of myself and how people should view me as. I may not apologize for the mess I have created, nor will I try to live up to your expectations, however I will not let it bog me down and I, to the best of my very limited ability, try and help out anyway I can.

when i was a kid i loved swimming so one afternoon i was in the mood for sun, so i bounced to my dad's bedroom, eager t jump on him and ask him to take me just a few blocks down to the swimming complex and swim with me. but when i opened the door he was fast asleep. being young i didnt know much about being irritating so i happily shook him awake and went LETS GO SWIMMING. obviously he wasnt in the mood and in fact i went out the room almost in tears.

so i lay on my bed hating everything hating the fact that something so simple like bringing me just a few blocks away could be so hard to do.

then after awhile my dad came in knelt beside my bed and told me 'get ready, lets go swimming with a smile'.

of course i was super confused so i asked him, while walking, why the sudden change, i thought he didnt want to go?

and his reply ill always remember.

if you want to do something, you dont do it reluctantly, you dont drag your feet there. if you're gna do it, do it happily.

things are difficult most of the times, and we dont face one difficulty at a time because it doesnt rain it pours like hell. but when you think that all is lost and you cant find your way back, cry out the darkness and let the light shine in because even though life sucks(take drugs) we're gna go through it. although suicide's easy as 1 2 3 there're too many consequences to bother our already bothered souls with that it becomes a 'so near yet so far' thing.

so since life's kind of compulsory now, lets find joy, ltes make joy. lets not care about too many of the downsides because it doesnt do us any good. lets push it away, no one said ignoring something that isnt even supposed to be there was bad. there're happier things to focus and revolve our life around.

this week's gna be tough, seems like we're having a tougher time than others did and it makes us feel lousy. ok it makes me feel lousy.super lousy. i always think 'is everyone feeling the same way or is it just me?'. i mean pain is relative, i could say im fainting but if another person was in my shoes that person would be like o tremors but i dont care, cos ill never find out.

if you feel like doing something go do it. if you dont feel like it and you strongly believe you dont want to then dont do it. because that's whats gna make you happier.

its your life, live it the way you want to. its your memories you're gna be looking at ten years down the road, so choose to make those memories yourself babes.

--
on monday i spent two hours in bed, tired from not being awake yet and stressed from the thought of going to school. and i was late. so every minute spent tossing on my bed, plagued with the dilemma of whether or not to go to school was another minute late, which made me not want to go to school even more.

so i decided, eventually, * it im not going. im not gna be happy even if i went anyway.

then i woke up, and stressed myself for another hour about whether or not to go for training. in the end i walked to tanahmerah with my sister with a bloody frown because even as i walked,every step i took was a step further from home and nearer to school(which isnt very near) and i just hated the idea of going for training when i didnt want to, when i felt obligated to.

in the end i reached school, sat at the gallery, had a light convesation with tessa(which cleared my brain for some reason(i think it was cos it was so pure and brainless)) and i felt better. then the girls came and training was about to start. managed to bargain with cel about training, and in the end i just ran.

cos i knew if i didnt, i'd keep thinking about whether i shouldve or not.

so after that very mentally draining day i realised how damn true 'cross the bridge when it comes' really is.

why bother ourselves with what we think is going to come when we have absolutely no control over it?

why not think about what we can do now, how to tackle the problems we have now, and be happy now, instead of trying to be happy in future?

so i decided im not training till i get my studies in check. yes my committment to soccer is waivered for this week because im not as capable as to commit myself to both studies and soccer because giving my all is giving my 100%. i only have a 100%, i cant give a 100% to both soccer and studies cos simple maths says that's 200%. which is not what i have. 50% each isnt good enough because ill just be missing 50% and wondering, worrying about that missing half.

so until im satisfied with my studies, until im happy that i have at least put in and gave as enough to my studies, my soccer is closed in a cupboard.

but i promise you, after block test i can throw my studies into the cupboard.

--
i realised i have a habit of throwing my life away, even if its for five minutes. i sit down and forget about everything and think about only what i want to think about.



sometimes i believe in the things i say, but sometimes i doubt if im making enough sense.



sis told me bout a book yesterday, so mind-boggling.

its about this girl who's perfectly fine, from her point of view. driven, social and everything. until she goes to a mental institute and mingles with the people. only then she finds out something about the people there, from their point of view, that they are not mental, that they think it is the 'normal' people that need help, not them.

no wonder ive always wondered how mental people feel/ think. if i could be one person for a day i'd be mental.

these kind of books should be burnt cos it messes up your view of the world.

i think the only reason why i'll be mental is cos of my sis.hahaha. we like to think about things like 'there are many things going on in the world in one second.' this guy's buying fruits, this girl's crying another's on the edge of divorce, another getting married. THATS HOW DISGUSTING IT IS.

but we dont have to care.

you can choose to believe anything you want to. you can believe someone who said something bad and be unhappy, or you could believe someone who said something good and be happy. think about it.

im really blabbering now, all i hope is that i make sense.

if youre angry with me just tell me, ill feel better that way. dont think i couldnt feel the hostility, the not-so-warm greeting.

i just hope everything's fine cos if it isnt, i dont know if ive got the energy to redeem myself.

ive always known the importance of a first impression but looks like i didnt give that good a first impression for you guys, and its hard, almost impossible to do so now.

i got an E for chinese and im disappointed as hell. as much as i know my chinese sucks and i have absolutely no flair in it, somehow i feel the paper wasnt done to the fullest, that grade does not reflect the standard of my potential chinese.

guess ill give it second shot.

--
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

DISNEY THE GENIUS

--
tell me why im constantly ranting about things i dont even remember the next day, why im talking in such riddles, why i cant even figure out my words, like i have no control over them. i think im starting to scare people off but perhaps its better this way.

tell me why im tired of the struggle, why i find it hard to do things willingly. why is the only motivation is have 'its gna be over soon'?

tell me why i feel like my brain's full of things i cant remember

lastly tell me why i find it so hard to accept so many things nowadays

life sucks, take too much drugs.

--
studying on sunday, frankly, i dont feel like studying i wanna let my hair down, free.

i know my attitude hasnt exactly been exemplary but believe me when i say i want to do well, believe me when i say i want to love my books.

sometimes situations push you to something/somewhere else such that you cant do what you want to anymore. and when that happens, sometimes running away's the way to get back on track.

have faith in those you love that they love you back no matter what they do. look at their hearts not their faces.

monday's the day. ive been thinking so much about everything i dont even know what i thought was right wrong should be shouldnt be is was am are.

ive been bored and unfeeling so i decided i was in the mood for drawing. and they turned out pretty sucky. at least it put my mind at ease. like every stroke of the pencil's filled with your frustration.

oh did i mention? mj dance concert was hawt. such style. enjoyed it more than i enjoyed rapture(maybe cos im biased against sa) but it was so hot. lots of style. plus the company's good, plus there was someone i was cheering my heart out for.

simpang after that, was kind of a failure simpang trip but im glad i managed to meet secondary school friends. i feel like ive grown up with them.

thank you aaron for researching on the genocide thing althoug it was close to 12 when you reached home already. you can help me do my homework if it makes you feel better HAHA.

i wish i could sleep just a little longer.

oh yes my computer's sick and dying(terminal cancer) so its losing its memory and one day it wont be able to wake up anymore. cant read people's blogs anymore cos its screwed up.