i hated how i could only sit there and watch helplessly i wish im more of a help i wish i could do more, do something solid for you, i wish i was more.

im having so much trouble finding meaning in anything right now. all those words cards notes dinner flowers jokes laughter the things people/i say or do. its all....just a happening that flies past.

there is no meaning anymore

and im sorry im such a wet blanket, im sorry i cant be strong for you guys especially in this crucial period. i will be, ,just let me be weak for awhile.

it just seems like one big black abysmal chunk of shit but its only like that if we think so.

i feel like one bbig fat bitch if you could hear my thoughts you'd see what an ugly person i am